Sorting Seattle Mariners Into Hogwarts Houses

It’s the All-Star Break. No meaningful baseball will be played until Friday. I’ll spend the All-Star game hoping no Mariners get hurt or arrested. But since we have no baseball to break down, why not have some fun?

As you can probably surmise, I am an ultra nerd. I love the Seattle Mariners. I love the Seattle Seahawks. And yes, I love Harry Potter, Star Wars, Game of Thrones, Comic Book Movies, CBS Big Brother, and Pokemon. In fact, I am what is known as a serial obsessive. There is a very little grey area for me. I either love something, hate it, or have never given it a try, thus have no opinion on it.

As a “Potterhead”, one of the central themes when discussing the books or movies is, ” what house do you belong too”? By the way, way too many of you are thinking Gryffindor right now. If you don’t know what Gryffindor is, stop reading because this article is not for you.

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The difficult part of sorting pro athletes, celebrities, or fictional characters, is that we really don’t know who they actually are, just the side we get to see. As somebody who has never met a player on the Mariners roster, I have no idea how they are off the field. Or very little idea at least.

So sorting these players into their perspective houses based on the front the make public is difficult. Actually, it’s impossible. But it’s the All-Star Break, I miss the Mariners, and want to have some fun. So let’s do this thing, okay?

So here, for entertainment purposes only, is the Seattle Mariners sorted into their Hogwarts Houses with 100%”ish” accuracy.

Ravenclaw

What does it mean to be a Ravenclaw? Well, according to Pottermore, Ravenclaw’s value intelligence, knowledge, and wit. Basically, smart people, with quick wits and some wisdom that can be shared with other players.

Here is our list:

• Wade LeBlanc

• Denard Span

• Jerry Dipoto

• Marco Gonzales

• Scott Servais

As is the case with most people, all these Mariners show qualities of other houses. However, I am extremely confident that Wade LeBlanc and Denard Span are properly sorted. Neither has great skills. Both have been around the block a few times. Both use their gained knowledge to outwit younger players.

Marco Gonzales might be the youngster of the group, but the genuine bond with LeBlanc only comes from sharing a Hogwarts house. Like they say, “birds of a feather, flock together”. Get it? Because its “Ravenclaw”? Huh?

Actually, the mascot for Ravenclaw is not a raven but actually a Golden Eagle. Why, do you ask? Well, it is believed… wait, no stay on track.

Scott Servais makes this list because, well, to be honest, I don’t know where else to put him. He certainly has wisdom, and can be witty and charming, but would I call him intelligent? Well yes, even though he drives me nuts most nights.

Jerry Dipoto was a difficult man to sort. He shows qualities of all 4 houses. But ultimately, when I think of Dipoto, the first adjective that comes to mind is intelligent. Of course, brave and hard-working came next, so it was a close call.

Hufflepuff

Okay, let’s start by making 1 thing clear: Hufflepuff is not a bad house. It’s not even the worst house. As a proud Hufflepuff myself, I will not allow you to besmirch my house. Hufflepuff is a great house. They value hard work, dedication, patience, loyalty and fair play. You know, the basic qualities of being a good person?

Anyways, with those qualifications in mind, here is our list of Mariners who are Hufflepuff’s:

• Kyle Seager

• Mitch Haniger

• Ben Gamel

• James Paxton

• Edgar Martinez

Yeah, that’s right, Mitch Haniger, James Paxton, and Edgar freaking Marinez are Hufflepuffs. Kick an scream all you want, but you know it’s true. Just look at the qualities, and tell me they aren’t obvious fits.

Kyle Seager went from slap-hitting second baseman to power hitting, Gold Glove-winning third baseman. Hard work, dedication, and patience. Mitch Haniger went asked to go back to A ball, reworked his swing. He didn’t make his MLB debut until he was almost 26-year-olds. Hard work, dedication, patience.

Edgar Martinez is such a Hufflepuff it isn’t even debatable. He literally checks all the boxes. He spent his entire career in the Mariners organization. Loyalty. He was stuck in AAA for years despite clearly being ready. Patience. Hard work and dedication speak for themselves. And in an era where steroids were rampant, Edgar hasn’t even been causally linked to any wrongdoing. Fair play. He’s a Hufflepuff, accept it.

Now as for Ben Gamel and James Paxton, they can go in a few directions. I am open for conversation on those two. Ultimately, it was the hard work of Paxton to reinvent his arm slot and Gamel’s patience to wait for his shot despite outperforming several top prospects in the Yankees system.

Let’s move along.

Gryffindor

Okay, I don’t have anything against Gryffindor’s. Except for the ones who think they’re the only house to ever exist. And when sorting players, the toughest grouping to distinguish between is Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.

Gryffindor’s value bravery, daring, nerve, and chivalry. It is worth noting that Gryffindor bravery is often seen more as showing off or looking to prove somebody wrong more than actual courage.  But regardless, here is what we came up with.

• Nick Vincent

• Jean Segura

• Mike Zunino

• Nelson Cruz

• Guillermo Heredia

• Dee Gordon

Let’s start at the top. Nick Vincent has been a successful big league reliever with one pitch. He just keeps throwing it, and keeps getting guys out. Takes a lot of nerve.

Jean Segura lost his baby son and went into a deep depression for 2 years before finding his way through to the other side. Bravery.

Zunino is a catcher. You either have to be insane or extremely brave to be a big league catcher. Plus, is there a nicer guy than Mike Zunino.

If there is, it might be Nelson Cruz. Cruz is one of those guys who you could flip between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, but at the end of the day, he seems like a Gryffindor right?

Guillermo Heredia fled Cuba, came to America to pursue his dream. All the while, he’s trying to learn a new language and do it all while trying to stick in the big leagues. That is a heavy dose of bravery is it not?

Finally, we come to Dee Gordon. I literally couldn’t decide between Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. I even took to Twitter to get some opinions.

I don’t know who the heck thinks Dee is a Ravenclaw, but I was struggling to choose between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor. I’d probably have gone Hufflepuff, but I’ll give it to the voters and say Gryffindor.

Well, there you have it. Instead of the home run derby, I decided to write something as meaningless as the derby itself. I might be wrong, but I feel pretty good about my calls. Disagree? Be sure to let me know.

Next: Top 20 Mariners Prospects 20-11