Bill Simmons fully revealed the depths of his 2026 Mariners hatred in podcast rant

Barring a miracle in their last 12 games, the 2026 Seattle Mariners are not about to go into the books as one of the franchise's beloved teams. The mood among the fanbase is more like disgust. Even Bill Simmons gets it, and he might be angrier than anyone in the Pacific Northwest.

Because he is famously a Boston guy, it was weird enough to write about Simmons' Mariners obsession when it was limited to pressuring them to call up Kade Anderson. The posts have just kept coming, culminating in The Ringer founder going full "Gooble-gobble, one of us!" with this X post on Friday:

Well, now we really get it after Simmons' brief stop for a little Mariners ranting on the latest episode of "The Bill Simmons Podcast." It happens at about the one-hour mark, and centers on him name-dropping George Kirby, Josh Naylor and Andrés Muñoz as guys who have crushed his fantasy team this season.

"Just in general, I feel like I've been sucked into the vortex of this Mariners season," Simmons said, before launching into a play-by-play of the latest of Muñoz's 10 blown saves. He concludes: "Between that and all the other guys on this team, I just hate the Mariners. Really, I hate their guts. And I've been tweeting about them, and the Seattle Mariner fans love it because they're like, 'Finally, somebody other than us has noticed what a f---ing dumpster fire this team is.'"

There's more, but it gets a little too profane for this outlet. Suffice it to say that Simmons' conclusion is along the lines of how the Mariners should screw themselves and go to Heck.

Bill Simmons is the spokesperson Mariners fans didn't know they needed

Nobody cares about other peoples' fantasy teams, even if they're guys with 5.1 million followers. But if this is ultimately about the message and the messenger, it's hard to do better than Bill Simmons telling the world of the catastrophe that is the 2026 Seattle Mariners.

To be honest, I'm at a point where I look at the 70-80 record and do the Bull Durham thing of wondering how the hell they ever won 70. Uphill progress from an opening loss to Cleveland back on March 26 was never more than sporadic, and now the Mariners are somehow screwing up the easiest September schedule in the league.

Muñoz's 10 blown saves somehow feel like one of the lesser sins of the 2026 Mariners, even among the players on Simmons' fantasy team. A pitcher as talented as Kirby has no business with a 4.25 ERA. Naylor has homered twice since the start of July. Then you have Cal Raleigh batting .180 and Julio Rodríguez struggling to keep his OBP over .300.

This is just the granular stuff. Even if Simmons clearly gets it on some level, it takes everyday exposure to the Mariners to understand just how ugly their brand of baseball is. It's an endless parade of bad at-bats, poorly timed walks and home runs, and frequent numbskullery on the basepaths and in the field. The only recommended way to watch includes one of those eye-opener contraptions from A Clockwork Orange.

After what happened last year, Simmons surely isn't the only poor sap to have loaded up on Mariners players for the 2026 fantasy season. As such, he's surely not alone in having come to hate this team through osmosis.

At least these folks get the pleasure of getting off the bandwagon when it's over, if they haven't already. Those of us who have professional/emotional investments in the Mariners have no choice but to carry on and hope that 2026 will be an aberration. At the very least, surely it can' t get worse than this*.

*Editor's note: Jinx!

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