Seattle Mariners 2019 Commercial Rankings

SPOILER ALERT: If you have not yet seen the 2019 Mariners Commercials, first off, what are you doing? Before you make your way through this article, take yourself over to Mariners.com and reward yourself with some Mariners comedy gold.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The Seattle Mariners players switched from baseballs and bats over to scripts and the big screen. Just like every season, the Mariners commercials signal a sort of rite of passage from the Offseason into the regular season.

The 2019 commercials are a bit different than in past years. Gone are days of Robinson Cano and Nelson Cruz starring in their own commercial. Kevin Martinez and the crew had to get a little… crafty for this seasons commercials. However, with no shortage of personality on the newly revamped Mariners roster, the team easily pumped out four new TV spots. Without further ado, let’s get into the rankings of the 2019 Seattle Mariners commercials!

#4: SpeeDee

It’s always hard to pick the worst commercial. SpeeDee is not bad by any means, it just leaves me wanting a bit more. We see Dee lining a ball into RF and then rounding the bases, making his way to third with a triple. Once he arrives at 3rd, Dee has his own personal pit crew comes out to refuel the speedster. Personally, if I had to bet on a race between Dee Gordon rounding the bases and Jimmie Johnson in a Ferrari, I’d have to contemplate it for a little bit.

My biggest gripe with this commercial is that it didn’t convey how much of a personality Dee has to offer. He says a total of like 15 words. I love how they incorporated the “fueling” of the car by using a giant Gatorade bottle and a straw. The changing of the spikes was also genius as well. Dee’s personality was just suppressed in this spot with so much going on. Because of this, SpeeDee falls to our #4 spot.

#3. Moving Target 

Aw yes, our first new Mariners cameo… or is Mallex Smith an old, returning Mariner? Nevertheless, Moving Target was a good one. Kyle Seager is changing after a game when new Center Fielder Mallex Smith arrives in the clubhouse. Kyle starts talking to Mallex but he doesn’t realize that in the time that it has taken him to untie his shoes, Mallex has showered, shaved and gotten fully dressed and ready to go to dinner with Kyle.

This commercial pays homage to last years Number One spot, Flip, where Kyle was trying to perfect the famous Ben Gamel hair flip. In Moving Target, once Mallezx is ready to go, Kyle says “yeahhhh… I’m going to need a minute.” Just like how he told Gamel “okay… I’ll keep working on it.”

On the surface, the commercial seems to be playing off of how fast Mallex Smith is but it also takes into account how slow Kyle Seager is. Kyle, always a good sport, plays along by taking roughly one whole eternity to untie his cleats. Was Mallex so fast in the commercial that he finished before Kyle untied his shoes or was Kyle so slow that Mallex finished everything before him? Only our Lord and Savior, Kevin Martinez, knows the truth.

Also, Kyle had some Shampoo in his locker which seems rather comical since ya know, the whole bald thing.

#2: Hanimal Fanimal

Who could forget Mitch Haniger‘s famous catch from last season? In fact, I was at that game. While he was over the wall, we all worried that he could have hurt himself but in this TV spot, the Mariners shed some light on what really happened in those few moments.

Mitch got pretty close with a big fan of his. Honestly, I can’t blame him, I’d be the same way if Vogey came tumbling over the wall.. although, I might be a bit less creepy… seriously though, the guy sounded like he met Mitch in a bar and was trying to pick him up, which makes it that much funnier. Mitch, who is always so serious and stone cold, played it off well. I do wish that they would have used some of the clips shown in the behind the scenes footage but alas.

Hanimal Fanimal falls in to number two also because it follows up from real life footage from last season. One of the first of it’s kind, the Mariners had to capitalize on one of their last remaining stars from the 2018 season and Hanimal Fanimal does just that.

#1: Crafty Lefties

I mean let’s be honest, there is really no debate here. Crafty lefties is easily number one and it’s not particularly close. We have Wade Leblanc and Marco Gonzales to start the commercial doing some arts and craft. Just as he would on Twitter, Wade calls Marco’s project “really neat” which immediately puts this in contention for number one.

Then we shift over to newly acquired Yusei Kikuchi and his rendition of T-Mobile Park, which in the words of Yusei, is “very crafty”.

And then things get a bit too real for a second. Felix finally makes his annual appearance, however not in his normal roll. This time, Felix just makes a small cameo, where he walks in and sees all the lefties hanging out and having fun and he is left out. On the surface, it looks like an honest joke but when you dig a bit deeper. It’s almost kind of sad.

Felix is no longer the star he was before, both on the field and on the big screen. He is left out of the crafty lefties club and is on the fringes of being left out of the Mariners rotation as he enters his final year.

Felix quickly turns it around by just shaking his head and saying “lefties” and walking away. The part that absolutely makes this the number one commercial of 2019 however is the framed picture of the OG Crafty Lefty, Jamie Moyer. Each player pays their respects to Jamie on their way out of the room and Wade takes extra care of the picture. Honestly, I think I liked that part so much because I just wasnt expecting it. No matter how you slice it, Crafty Lefties is the number one commercial in 2019.

Awards

Best Actor: Wade Leblanc

Kyle Seager was a close second to take home the award for the second year in a row but really Wade stole the shown. From his “Sad Batter” statue to the way he takes care of the Jamie Moyer portrait, Wade is taking home some hardware in 2019.

Best Sport: Felix Hernandez

Again, Seager almost took this award home as well but Felix really took the joke of being left out well and in good spirits. He could have been mad about the joke being made of his recent performance but Felix took it in stride.

Best Soundtrack: SpeeDee

Crafty Lefties almost won this one but the race car sounds coming from Dee along with all the sounds of a real Nascar pit crew stole the show.

With the 2019 Mariners commercials in the books, it’s now officially time for baseball. We are just a few weeks out from Mariners baseball gracing our TV nearly every night for 6 months. Let’s roll.