Sorting Seattle Mariners Into Hogwarts Houses

It’s the All-Star Break. No meaningful baseball will be played until Friday. I’ll spend the All-Star game hoping no Mariners get hurt or arrested. But since we have no baseball to break down, why not have some fun?

As you can probably surmise, I am an ultra nerd. I love the Seattle Mariners. I love the Seattle Seahawks. And yes, I love Harry Potter, Star Wars, Game of Thrones, Comic Book Movies, CBS Big Brother, and Pokemon. In fact, I am what is known as a serial obsessive. There is a very little grey area for me. I either love something, hate it, or have never given it a try, thus have no opinion on it.

As a “Potterhead”, one of the central themes when discussing the books or movies is, ” what house do you belong too”? By the way, way too many of you are thinking Gryffindor right now. If you don’t know what Gryffindor is, stop reading because this article is not for you.

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The difficult part of sorting pro athletes, celebrities, or fictional characters, is that we really don’t know who they actually are, just the side we get to see. As somebody who has never met a player on the Mariners roster, I have no idea how they are off the field. Or very little idea at least.

So sorting these players into their perspective houses based on the front the make public is difficult. Actually, it’s impossible. But it’s the All-Star Break, I miss the Mariners, and want to have some fun. So let’s do this thing, okay?

So here, for entertainment purposes only, is the Seattle Mariners sorted into their Hogwarts Houses with 100%”ish” accuracy.

Ravenclaw

What does it mean to be a Ravenclaw? Well, according to Pottermore, Ravenclaw’s value intelligence, knowledge, and wit. Basically, smart people, with quick wits and some wisdom that can be shared with other players.

Here is our list:

• Wade LeBlanc

• Denard Span

• Jerry Dipoto

• Marco Gonzales

• Scott Servais

As is the case with most people, all these Mariners show qualities of other houses. However, I am extremely confident that Wade LeBlanc and Denard Span are properly sorted. Neither has great skills. Both have been around the block a few times. Both use their gained knowledge to outwit younger players.

Marco Gonzales might be the youngster of the group, but the genuine bond with LeBlanc only comes from sharing a Hogwarts house. Like they say, “birds of a feather, flock together”. Get it? Because its “Ravenclaw”? Huh?

Actually, the mascot for Ravenclaw is not a raven but actually a Golden Eagle. Why, do you ask? Well, it is believed… wait, no stay on track.

Scott Servais makes this list because, well, to be honest, I don’t know where else to put him. He certainly has wisdom, and can be witty and charming, but would I call him intelligent? Well yes, even though he drives me nuts most nights.

Jerry Dipoto was a difficult man to sort. He shows qualities of all 4 houses. But ultimately, when I think of Dipoto, the first adjective that comes to mind is intelligent. Of course, brave and hard-working came next, so it was a close call.

Slytherin

Well, if I am going to demand fairness for Hufflepuff, I guess I should do the same for Slytherin. Not every Slytherin was evil. I mean, hello, Professor Snape might be the bravest character in the entire freaking series.

But Slytherin’s value ambition, cunning, and resourcefulness. And evil doing. Okay fine I’ll stop. Here are the Slytherin’s we have found:

• Felix Hernandez

• Robinson Cano

• James Pazos

• Mike Leake

• Edwin Diaz

Ambition is the key word for Felix and Cano. Both are very interested in their legacy. Cano wanted to hit the most HR by a second baseman in baseball history. Felix was so stuck in returning to his glory days, he stubbornly refuses to adjust to his new strengths.

Now, Edwin Diaz is a bad man. Not dark wizard bad, but bad nonetheless. There are some guys you sort into a house because it’s obvious. Some are tough but ultimately land in one house or the other. And some just seem like they belong in the house, so you put them there. Both Pazos and Diaz fall into the latter category for me.

Mike Leake might be a surprise for some people. Ignore the ambition qualification, but no 2 words may describe Leake’s pitching style more than cunning and resourcefulness. The difference between the Ravenclaw pitchers and Leake is just the nerdy persona LeBlanc and Marco portray. So as a result, Mike Leake is a Slytherin.

Now, the moment I’m sure you’ve been waiting for is here. Let’s talk about the most overrated house in the Harry Potter universe.

Gryffindor

Okay, I don’t have anything against Gryffindor’s. Except for the ones who think they’re the only house to ever exist. And when sorting players, the toughest grouping to distinguish between is Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.

Gryffindor’s value bravery, daring, nerve, and chivalry. It is worth noting that Gryffindor bravery is often seen more as showing off or looking to prove somebody wrong more than actual courage.  But regardless, here is what we came up with.

• Nick Vincent

• Jean Segura

• Mike Zunino

• Nelson Cruz

• Guillermo Heredia

• Dee Gordon

Let’s start at the top. Nick Vincent has been a successful big league reliever with one pitch. He just keeps throwing it, and keeps getting guys out. Takes a lot of nerve.

Jean Segura lost his baby son and went into a deep depression for 2 years before finding his way through to the other side. Bravery.

Zunino is a catcher. You either have to be insane or extremely brave to be a big league catcher. Plus, is there a nicer guy than Mike Zunino.

If there is, it might be Nelson Cruz. Cruz is one of those guys who you could flip between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, but at the end of the day, he seems like a Gryffindor right?

Guillermo Heredia fled Cuba, came to America to pursue his dream. All the while, he’s trying to learn a new language and do it all while trying to stick in the big leagues. That is a heavy dose of bravery is it not?

Finally, we come to Dee Gordon. I literally couldn’t decide between Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. I even took to Twitter to get some opinions.

I don’t know who the heck thinks Dee is a Ravenclaw, but I was struggling to choose between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor. I’d probably have gone Hufflepuff, but I’ll give it to the voters and say Gryffindor.

Well, there you have it. Instead of the home run derby, I decided to write something as meaningless as the derby itself. I might be wrong, but I feel pretty good about my calls. Disagree? Be sure to let me know.

Next: Top 20 Mariners Prospects 20-11