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Ranking the Mariners by Baseball Beards
Mandatory Credit: Steven Bisig-USA TODAY Sports
As I was watching the Mariners face off against the A’s last night, I was struck by just how popular beards are becoming in baseball. I’m not talking about the chin-strap thing that David Ortiz used to wear, and I’m definitely not talking about the Monopoly-man-style mustache that Rollie Fingers wears (though it is impressive). No, I’m talking about the overly masculine, exceptionally scraggly, and exceedingly scruffy style of beard that only a lumberjack or baseball player could get away with.
If there’s anything we take seriously here in the Northwest, it’s beer and beards. Here’s how the Mariners stack up in the world of Baseball Beards.
Mandatory Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports
Mariners
Unfortunately for the Mariners they’re somewhat lacking in the beard department this season. Robbinson Cano has that chin thing going on right now, and while it certainly doesn’t look bad, he’s got nothing on Dustin Ackley. The Lumber-Ack looks great (though if you ask my wife she thinks it’s horrible). It’s so shapely, so rugged. He doesn’t trim it every day, and he doesn’t care what you think.
Joe Beimel also has some pretty neat stuff growing out of his face, making the armful of tattoos even more intimidating. But, unfortunately for the Mariners, even Ackley can’t hold a flame to the rest of the league for beardedness.
Grade: C+ (that’s generous, but Ack is just so glorious)
Mandatory Credit: Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports
Rangers
I haven’t quite decided yet if Elvis Andrus looks more like Abraham Lincoln, or King Tut, but either way, those facial locks are getting long. I particularly like the way he doesn’t let it climb up his face, but rather lets it hang off of his jaw like messy spaghetti. Prince Fielder had a lot of potential to bring to the Rangers’ beard-pen, but he’s keeping it short for some reason. Also, I’d love to see him bring those dreadlocks back.
Grade: B- (Fielder needs to step up his game)
Mandatory Credit: Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports
Red Sox
Mike Napoli needs no introduction for the beard contest. Last season he looked like a cross between the Happy Gilmore caddie and Thor. He’s cleaned up a little bit, but his face is still filled with bristled happiness. The Red Sox had a beard contest last year, which led to some impressive follicular states. Mike Carp grew a blonde chin strap that was reminiscent of a civil war general. And Big Poppy always has that close-chop style going on.
Grade: B+ (they were really good last year, but it seems that John Farrell doesn’t like beards and made them clean up a little bit)
Mandatory Credit: Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports
Athletics
There should never have been any doubt about this one. Seeing Derek Norris step up to the plate last night was a thing of beauty. Men and women everywhere swoon when he walks into a room. The A’s have beards galore down there, Deric Barton has one, Josh Reddick used to have a beauty of a beard, but it’s been shaped up a little bit.
But what really bugs me is John Jaso. This is a guy who had high Santa-Claus-Potential, but when he shaved it all off this season and instantly became less intimidating.
Grade: A- (they would have a solid A+ here, but too many guys gave in to their wives and shaved it off)
There you have it M’s fans. Beards are back, and there’s even more out there to be proud of (or fear…Brian Wilson). If we could convince Lloyd McClendon to grow a Wedge-sque handlebar, then we would be in business.