An Open Letter To Grumpy New York Yankees Fans


Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Yankees fans,

Greetings from rainy Seattle! Here on the west-coast, things run a little differently; the beer is stronger, the coffee is fresher, and the baseball players are better paid.

I’m referring, of course, to Robinson Cano. Some of you may have noticed that he’s been absent from your lineup so far this season. That’s because he’s ours now. You had your turn with him, and now he’s ours. To be fair, you could have kept him if you really wanted him, but you didn’t, and he’s ours now.

I understand that you might be upset with the idea that someone might actually want to leave your hallowed Yankee Stadium, but you should just move on. After all, you still have A-Rod.

You’re going to boo us, you will be unrestrained in your heckling over this series. We can take it, because in the end Robbie is still coming home with us.

He’s already got a beard. How much more Northwest does it get?

What I simply don’t understand is how you can be so upset that Cano left you for more money. It’s like you saw it as a threat to the gentlemanly and traditional game of baseball. On the contrary, throwing money at baseball players until they join your team is as traditional as Cracker Jacks, the 7th inning stretch and waiting impatiently for the urinal between innings. You’ve been doing it for years: Jacoby Ellsbury, Johnny Damon, Mark Teixeira, Wade Boggs; and that’s just from recent memory. Frankly, I’m surprised Boston doesn’t hate you even more than they already do.

Players leaving for New York is nothing new, but you’re under the impression that it’s because everyone just wants to wear those pinstripes. But in reality, it’s the draw of the dollar, and the potential to meet famous New York City babes.

So now the tables have turned, and that makes you mad. I understand, I really do, but that doesn’t mean I feel bad for you. Having the tables turned on you was one of the most refreshing moments of this baseball fans life. Giving you a taste of your own medicine has been almost therapeutic.

So go ahead, boo and hiss, jeer and taunt, but maybe you’ll start to feel what the rest of the league has been feeling for years. In the meantime, we’ll just kick back in our plaid shirts, while stroking our beards and drinking our growlers; enjoy your apple-tinis.


Mariners Fans (and the rest of the MLB)

Being from Toronto, Matt has been exposed to far too many losses at the hands of the Yankees, giving him an immense distrust for anyone in pinstripes.