If There Were Beer – The Relievers


Today we continue our look at the players that have been on the M’s roster as if they were beer. With all the position players done, this time we examine the members of the Mariner’s bullpen.

The bullpen is tough to do with this type of series. Relievers are by their nature, not all that good. If they were, they’d be starting. Though there are always a few exceptions to that rule. Because of this, I thought about having all the members of the ‘pen be macro brews. The problem with this is that that macros are fairly indistinguishable, and that there’s a difference between being “not all that good” and being genuinely bad.  So instead, I’ve decided to use flavored beers.

Remember: I’m also not going to explain my metaphors. You can all figure them out. Just know that while I’m talking in beer terms, I am still mostly talking about the players. Also, don’t be surprised if my metaphors change from player to player, or beer to beer.


OutfieldersInfieldersCatchers and Designated Hitters

Starting Pitchers: Friday

Brandon League Punkin Ale, DogFish Head Craft Brewery, Milton Delaware

There are a lot of Pumpkin beers out there, but this was the first (at least as far as I can tell) and it’s still the best. It’s hard to describe other than it tastes like a good lager and a pumpkin pie had a baby. And did I mention is doesn’t suck? Its not something I’d want to drink every day or anything, but it really is a good thing when it’s available.

Tom WilhemsenPortamarillo, Epic Brewing, New Zealand

This is a collaboration with the guys from DogFish Head. It’s a dark smokey porter that been brewed along with the Tamarillo fruit that’s native to New Zealand. A very unique beer, and those of us in the US wouldn’t even know it exists had it not been for a TV episode about it’s creation.

Dan CortesKick, New Belgium Brewing, Fort Collin, CO

A collaboration with Elysian Brewing of Seattle. This beer takes your taste buds on a very wild ride ranging from the natural hopy bitterness, the tartness of cranberries, and the sweetness of pumpkin. The end result is a surprising good beer that has a “you never know what you going to get” attitude.

Jamey Wright – Chipotle Ale, Rouge Ales, Newport, Oregon

A fairly standard lager made weird by including Chipotle Peppers in the mash. It’s an odd combination, as the jalapeno spiciness would work better with a pale ale, but the smokiness that come with a chipotle pepper (remember that chipotle are just smoked jalapenos) is better matched with a porter or stout. The end result isn’t a bad beer, but it’s flavors seem confused and incohesive.

Josh Lueke – Auld Acquaintance, Pike Brewing Co, Seattle WA

Definitely a Holiday season beer, with hints of cinnamon and nutmeg in a classic English ale. Definitely worth trying if you’ve never had it, as the flavors are a unique combination. Its not something I’d like to have regularly, but it isn’t bad either.

Jeff Grey – Sahti Ale, New Belgium Brewing, Fort Collin, CO

An interesting combination of a Belgium Ale, juniper berries, orange, and what I can only guess is juniper wood. Think of it as a Fat Tire (which is a very good beer) with crap added to it with the only purpose of trying to make it not as good. Still decent though.

David Pauley – Classic Margarita, any Mexican restaurant, anywhere

You might disagree, but all margaritas taste the same to me. I’ve had a quite a few, and have tried them everywhere from Seattle to Tucson and many places in between, and I honestly can’t tell the difference. Still tasty though. (Note: I promised my wife I’d throw in a non-beer for the fun of it. This just fit too perfectly not to do so here)

Chris Ray Beermosa, Boneyard Beer, Bend, OR

This is a twice-brewed wheat beer that is re-fermented with Oregon cherries. I’m not a huge fan of beers that use much a lot of wheat but the distinct sweetness from the cherries cuts through the wheat makes this beer palatable.

David AardsmaBlackberry Porter, Wild River Brewing, Grants Pass, OR

Despite being their “summer seasonal,” it still isn’t available yet this year. It appears the brewmaster decided not to make any. Which is too bad. I’ve hear it’s pretty good, but I’ve never been able to try it.

Aaron Laffey – Apricot Ale, Pyramid Brewing Co., Seattle, WA

Great looking color and a beautiful sweet smell. The taste, though, is like stale vomit. Nothing that smells so good should be allowed to taste so horribly horribly wrong.

Final post in the series to come tomorrow.