The Secret Life of the Mariners Bullpen (Part One)


[If people like this series, I’ll continue it.  If not, I’ll scrap it.  And Let it be said that I am not attempting to create fanfiction. Rather, I am endeavoring to make fun of fanfiction.  Just putting that out there.]

Setting: the M’s clubhouse, after a loss to Anaheim.

Aardsma: Okay guys, I’ve called you all here today to discuss something very impo– Brandon, what are you doing here?  Aren’t you a starter?

Morrow: Um, like I have any idea with this organization.

Aardsma: Hmm.  Okay then.  As I was saying, it has come to my attention that– Um, Miguel, could you not do that while I’m making a speech?

Batista: (soulfully playing saxophone)

Aardsma: Why haven’t we DFA’d him yet?

White: I have no idea.  I figured it was to trade him while he still had value, but Zduriencik kind of blew that.

Kelley: I don’t think he even speaks English.  Hello?  Hello???

Aardsma: AS I WAS SAYING.  It has come to my attention that Randy Messenger has been called up to the big league club.

Lowe: WHAT?

Kelley: This is absolutely unacceptable.  They can’t just DO that, can they?

White: This could…..tear apart the very core of everything we believe in.

Jakubauskas: What is Zduriencik THINKING?

Aardsma: My thoughts exactly, boys.  So I propose we put Plan M into motion.

Lowe: Plan M?  But….that’s a very last resort.  We said we would only use Plan M in an emergency.

Aardsma: Hey!  Calm down, everyone.  Just REMAIN calm.  Brandon, do you still have your pink backpack?

Jakubauskas: I think he left, Aardy.

Aardsma: That kid needs to make up his mind.

Kelley: I still have mine.

White: Surely you’re not suggesting we….

(A look of horror dawns on their faces)

Aardsma: Yes.  We strike at dawn.


Lowe: Guys, I think Batista is a spy.