The Horror in Miami


I’m not going to waste too much of your time on this subject, but I have been feeling the urge to comment on this topic

for a while.

The Miami Marlins have gone through a complete makeover this offseason. New stars, new coach, new uniforms, and

most importantly, a beautiful new stadium. The new 515 million dollar Marlins Ballpark is complete with a retractable roof, an aquarium backstop, and a 50 foot tall contraption that will flash, spin, and twirl every time the Marlins hit a homerun. Here it is.

I have nothing against a nice, normal, and less-hideous homerun celebration like some fireworks, an apple that pops up, or a mascot taking a ride down a slide, but the Marlins are taking it way too far.

Words fail me. I really don’t think there are words in the English language that truly encapsulate this object, but I will do my best to find some. This thing is gaudy, obnoxious, annoying, flamboyant, nauseating, and a disgrace to baseball. I have even heard someone describe this as “tacky Las Vegas.”

I’m trying to control my ranting, but I really don’t get it. I cannot begin to comprehend what was going on in someone’s mind when the idea for this sculpture was conceived. Even after some guy came up with this, how was approved by everyone else? I imagine that this sculpture was proposed to a board of ownership, executives, and contractors, yet not one single person said, “WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?” or at least had some nightmares from it? Just think about all of the people that must have seen blueprints for this before it was created; yet somehow, enough people actually thought this was acceptable to put it in a multi-hundred million dollar facility that it actually was built. Unless the Marlins are trying to make fans dread homeruns, I can’t imagine that anything good will come out of the construction of this disaster.

Not only is this thing hideous, but I believe that it will be detrimental to batters. If you look at the layout of this ballpark, you will see that this is being constructed at about the same place as the beer garden at Safeco Field, only closer to center field. In the case of a right handed side armed pitcher or a sweeping right handed breaking pitch, the brightly colored statue could cause some serious problems for batters. Even if the statue isn’t directly behind the release point of a pitcher, the flamboyant monument could certainly distract hitters. If Mariner hitters complained about trees in the batter eye during 2002, I think imagine that hitters will mind specs of teal, green, pink, and orange dancing in their peripheral vision.

How does this relate to us Mariner fans? Well it doesn’t very much, but it does prove that the Mariner’s don’t have the most controversial batter’s eye in baseball. The Mariners have repainted the batter’s eye several times, planted trees, removed trees, and have finally put a honey comb substance that eliminates glare on their wall behind center field, but Miami has succeeded in creating the most despised feature in baseball.

I would expect to hear complaints about the homerun feature in the first week in the new ballpark… mark my words.

To close, if you are a Miami Marlin fan or just a person who saw that picture and said, “hey! That looks kind of cool!” please step up and defend your sculpture! PLEASE, I want to hear some people defend this! I look forward to hearing from you, although I doubt that this will get much response.